i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
