i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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