I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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