god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
