you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
