My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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