yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
