I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
