oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
