God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
