remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
