In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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