my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Found the puke drawer
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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