I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
