I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
