Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
