In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
