Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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