So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
