Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This baby is an asshole
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
