Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
