she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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