Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
