there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You dont lie about slip and slides
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
