I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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