I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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