The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i think i just lost a toe
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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