The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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