Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
