Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
