We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We talked him into tasing himself.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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