Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think I sprained my soul last night
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
