overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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