Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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