Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
