a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
you had me at cake vodka
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
