Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
