I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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