She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am midnight drunk by noon
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
