i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
