on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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