i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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