Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
