$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
