I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
