I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
