Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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