i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
