and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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