lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
