go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
