I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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