Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
