Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
