I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
