When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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