Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
