They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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