I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
