I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
