The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
