Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
