Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
