Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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