6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
