ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
