How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
