i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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